ch_aiks

seriously, I have been watching so much Scrubs lately that I want to become a cool, 20-something doctor.

too bad I realized this now....and too bad that I can't handle real gore.

but I can dream!

gosh it must be pretty amazing to save a life. before I die I hope that I can save someone's life.

aaaaand I don't even want to think about college. everyone is so caught up in registering for classes and it makes me irritable. mostly because I can't register thanks to the massive sum that I owe the university. until that is paid...or paid down enough so that I can register....I can't get any classes. so while all the important classes that I need are snapped up, I'm stuck in a holding pattern. that and all my friends can't stop talking about it, which makes me feel worse. all I get is pity and surprise when they ask me about my classes and I say that I can't do anything cuz of a hold on my account.

Person 1 - BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH OMGGG I GOT INTO JMC454 AND ITS AT 3 TO 5 AND THEN I GOT INTO BLAHBLAHBLAH
Person 2 - OMGGG YOU'RE SO LUCKY THAT YOU GOT THAT CLASS LOL!! I WANT IT SO BAD!! I GOT INTO BLAHBLAHBLAH!! HEY ADAM, WHAT DID YOU GET INTO FOR NEXT SEMESTER.
Me - nothing. I can't do anything at the moment. I can't pay for college at the moment so I can't get any classes.
Both people - OMG!! THAT TOTALLY SUCKS!!! AREN'T YOU WORRIED?? SCARED?? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET INTO ANY GOOD CLASSES. I FEEL SOOOO BAD FOR YOU!!
Me - I'm aware. but it's my problem....I'll deal with it when I can. oh and thanks sooo much for your concern.

adam exits. person 1 and 2 resume scouring the course lists and obsessing.

I'm jealous that they can register and I can't....which I'm sure is the reason why this post is so bitter.

oh well.

I have no idea what I'm doing. ESPECIALLY when it comes to women. I haven't been in a real relationship in forever. Seriously, it's been some time. This whole "talking to girls" thing used to be easier. Or rather, in my mind I thought I was ok at it. Turns out that I have no idea what to do now. And the interesting part is that the women in this situation both kinda want me....or well....one does and one might. I dunno.

but lemme explain this to you:

Bri liked me. Maybe she still does. We connect on numerous levels and like a lot of the same things. a lot, if not all of my friends dig her. she's a bit socially out of place, but when it comes to my friends...who can blame her? but still...she liked me. now I'm not sure. her responses are strained and even when we had lunch she didn't seem to be all there. part of her seemed distant. and that made me feel out of place. we've kissed before but only under certain circumstances...now it's all hugs. and even her hug today felt quick and emotionless. I hope I'm not being pushed into the friend zone but honestly, I'm getting that vibe. but then again she said she liked kissing me....so complicated!

and then there's molly. doing anything with her would kill chances with bri. so there's THAT issue.

and I just asked bri some important questions via facebook chat. wow. smooth move, adam.

I need some direction!

I'm happy that october has finally come to a close. this month has been, BY FAR, the single worst month I have ever had. nothing has gone right for me. but november smells like redemption. hopefully shit will start going MY way for once.

halloween wasn't half bad. got a few pics of some awesome costumes. there was a little red riding hood and a big bad wolf. watching a man in a full blown wolf suit take a keg stand was a first for me. ahhh yes...college.

"I'm going to turn 22 soon and I pray to GOD that by the time I hit 22 I will have learned from my mistakes and have come to terms with all the dumb shit I did when I was a 21 year old"


I wrote that at some point in the past.

I don't know how I feel about it.

when did my life get so hectic?

what a pain. it was kinda fun when things were slow and I was able to keep up with everything. well those days are pretty much over...sadly...

I have an online midterm I need to do for my religion class, which should be interesting considering it's comprised of essays. just essays. lucky meeeee. My online media class is going nonstop at at this point, which is kinda bullshit since my prof left the country for weeks. Once she got back she was like "let's get down to business" and starts throwing due dates at us for projects and shit. every project in that class takes a good amount of time and requires us to generally master a new program on the computer like Final Cut Pro or Dreamweaver. sigh.

I have an internship meeting on tuesday in phoenix. speaking of phoenix, thanks a lot Phoenix Police for pulling me over. I actually (kinda) mean it. If it wasn't for the motorcycle cop pulling me over, I wouldn't have known that Geico royally fucked me over. Long story short: Geico accidentally put my car in the wrong type of storage insurance over the summer and ended up voiding my registration. Also, they never re-established the type of insurance that is valid in AZ. Soooo I get pulled over for one thing, and up with a citation for driving with no insurance with suspended license plates.

I got off lucky in a way. the bike cop couldn't take my plates since he didn't have the tools....something he would have had to do if he was in a squad car. THAT would've sucked. Also, he let me off the hook for my original violation.

on the downside, I can't drive my car until I get a letter from Geico that I can present to the DMV so they can reinstate my registration. Looks like I gotta lightrail my ass over to phx.

oh and I have an ASL test tomorrow that I'm nowhere near ready for. but does Adam worry??

no no no.

he stays happy-ish, and hopeful that he can muster the focus to get shit done.

Things have really become unstable in my life. It's strange to look back on my life...say 3 weeks ago...and think of how content I was. Things were fine. I had a girl who I was happy with, my birthday was on the horizon, I was getting into a groove with my school work. All in all, things were not half bad.

Fast forward to now: I am without girl and essentially got dumped by her even though we were never together. I fell in love with the stability she added to my world, and then got the rug swept out from under me when she decided to end it abruptly.

heartache is heartache. I know how to deal and the people I talked to really put it in perspective. well actually...some people helped...others gave me the typical responses. but the ones who really talked it over with me helped me out. now it's up to ME to sever these lingering feelings and just let go....even though me and the girl are still friends. again, such is life.

And then I get a call from my sister saying my mother is in the hospital because my worthless, piece of shit "step-father" threw her into a goddamn television.

I never liked that bastard. he ALWAYS irked me. something seemed off, and it would seem my gut feelings were right. my sis and brother in law saw it too. something about him was always...off.

and he's been beating on my mother for some time. karma better come into play. I don't like to wish ill upon others but nobody with any sense of pride beats up someone who will not be able to properly defend themselves. ma is strong but he's bigger.

what makes it worse is that he has been emotionally abusing her, calling her worthless and saying all sorts of shit to diminish her.

and I don't know what to do about all this. my sis offered my mom a place to stay in texas. she would be with her family all the time, instead of when I can escape up there to scottsdale. mom needs to be with people who love her and can keep her in high spirits all the time.

anger aside, it's a tough situation for everybody.

All I care about is that she gets better.

So after that angsty mess of a post I feel like I should make a more positive update. I'm beginning to notice a trend where I'll spout out all this terrible, morose shit and then come back and be like "wow I hope people aren't worried about me." I guess everyone needs to vent....and some people just vent more than others.

Ok so let's move past that.

Today hasn't been a terrible day. Last night was fun as I got to chill with my old roommates and relax. We hit a bar, had a few rounds and enjoyed life. So much so that I even managed to push the fact that I'm broke out of my head. Huzzah! Cory is doing well and has taken to sobriety quite nicely. And little known fact: St. Paulies Non-Alcoholic is not half bad. Seriously. For not containing any real significant amount of alcohol is manages to taste like a beer. Oh and ANOTHER fact: Apparantly there IS alcohol in non-alcoholic drinks. But like...maybe .5 percent. Essentially you would need to drink like 30 of them to have any real "drunk" effect.

Fascinating.

Oh and in astronomy I got an 83 on my weekly online homework, which is needlessly difficult at times. Small victory, but a victory non the less! That class is fairly interesting at times. DID YOU KNOW THAT RADIO WAVES ARE ACTUALLY A FORM OF LIGHT?!

pretty awesome if you ask me.

And about my last post...just to clear the air...it all stems from trivial girl issues that in the long run probably don't matter. We both knew the score and whenever you're involved in something really unofficial it's only natural that at some point someone will end it.

I think that's something I need to work on. I get really comfortable with situations and just settle. I usually think that as long as things are functional and status quo then it's all good. It isn't all good sometimes. I can't shake the feelings though. I do feel a bit rejected and it's going to be strange since we have a class together. or rather, spend all of tuesday and thursday together in Phoenix...which guarantees no escape.

I want to quit smoking. I've set a quit date. I'm not entirely sure if it will work but here's hoping that it will. With no fixed income it's tough to keep up bad habits.

And that's my life right now! Not terrible!

So I can't honestly fill in the gap. I'm sorry. I can't think at the moment.
Let's talk about life.
At the moment I'm not too optimistic. I wish that I could report with something good for once. I wish. As it stands I feel generally unloved and relatively alone. I can function on my own but it's always nice to have a companion. I'm sans companion starting today and I don't know how I feel about that. Granted, we were never "together" but still....always nice to have someone around. I'm alone now. Again. As always. Time to man up again and just deal.

School blows. So much work. I can't focus on it. I fear that I have ADD. I don't want pills. I avoided pills when I was depressed. If I can give Lexapro the slip then I can avoid anything else. My friends would say that I'm being silly and imagining my ADD....well....that's their opinion....


Life goes on. I'm not quite happy and if I were smart I would check back into counseling....but let's assume that I can take care of myself for once.


for once.

2 posts in one hour. madness, I know.

but check this out. so I went outside to have a smoke since I needed one after my last post. and I come across a lightning bug walking around in my driveway---*tangent* so some people like firefly over lightning bug. I've always said lightning bug and I don't know if that makes me different or not. ok but anyway! so he's walking around and I try to pick him up by putting my hand down in front of him. everytime I did that he would go all crazy with the feelers on my hand and then go in the other direction, leading my to believe that he may have other more pressing matters to attend to. that made me realize that I, in fact, have pressing matters to attend to as well. and so now I'm sitting here doing homework.

thank you lightning bug for being too busy for me. made me realize that I don't really have the time to dick around with insects when there are things I really should be doing.


posts like these really solidify the notion that I'm different from other people. ha.

 

 Seems that I'm bored enough to post in my livejournal. wow. that's saying something. and to think that I could be doing something productive. like my online classes...those are sorta important. I wouldn't mind doing well enough to add a little bit more to my GPA. I already landed a B in one of the classes...so I'm shooting for an A in the other one. It's psych 101, which is actually not as simple as it sounds. Since it's a 101 class it (lightly) covers all aspects of the field. I'm forced to know various sorts of psych, the people involved, the brain, neurons, and so on....it's tiring. Plus the pacing is intense, but whatever...everyone knows how school works.

work at CVS. what to say? it's strange being back considering that last time I was working there my life went through something of a transition. I remember working there and going from boxed in to free. All in one summer. I used to work and reflect on how lucky I was to have my life change for the better, all because of one person. Or rather, the departure from one person thanks to another. On the one hand, I scold myself for being so  helpless that I needed help in the first place, but then I realize that I really needed her to help me. I needed her. 

Now I'm without her and back at CVS again and it's just eerie. I catch myself thinking about how things were which is unhealthy. Dwelling on the past is never something that comes across as a good idea. Living in the past is worse. I feel I'm doing both. I'm a different person now. Or so I tell myself. Well, actually....yeah...I am different. Though I did discover a few things about myself that really explain who I am. Not exactly bad things, not exactly good. But it certainly speaks toward my behavior, and I'm working to kinda put a leash on the parts of my being that are destructive. 

I'm so horribly scared about what will happen after college that it keeps me up at night. I really hope that I don't end up in a gutter somewhere, with a big bushy beard asking for spare change. That would suck. understatement.

I have problems letting go. Every so often I analyze that part of me and come to very awesome, insightful conclusions as to why I'm like that, and how I can change, and various frames of mind that help me feel better. Then something happens and I forget what that brilliant idea was. And then I get angry. Or rather...I get moody. I don't get angry. Not really. Frustrated, yes. Irritated, yes. But lash-out angry....not so much.

Being back in NJ is so typical it isn't even worth mentioning. People are generally the same. Some are different. So it goes. I wonder what will become of them after college. I wonder if they will remain in the same area and still be buddies while I continue to forge a new frontier...wherever I go. I wonder if they'll forget about me eventually. I would be kinda surprised, but then again....

I'm generally optimistic about what could happen after college, even though it scares me. I would love to have someone else go out there with me. some sort of support system. oddly enough there's a catch when you go out west and leave your family and friends behind: you leave your family and friends behind. being alone sucks. kinda. 

wow sorry about the really non-committal answers. 

ANYWAY, I am trying to learn guitar and it's not going well, but hopefully one day I'll be decent enough to play at my leisure and impress people with my guitar skills. plus I remember how it used to be back in the day when you knew an instrument and felt the joys of having just one more skill in your arsenal. even if it wasn't a major skill....like playing the trumpet....which I played...poorly. but played, nontheless!!!!

I'm going to turn 22 soon and I pray to GOD that by the time I hit 22 I will have learned from my mistakes and have come to terms with all the dumb shit I did when I was a 21 year old. 

and I never pray. 

not that I'll actually pray or anything. 

well maybe. 

Saw Bruno last night. It was different. Not as good as Borat. But if you're bored, you can't go wrong....that and it's only 80-something minutes....

ok I think I'm going to write in my tangible journal now. yayyyy

oh man. I've been really really lazy for the past month or so. longer I think. It generally reflects in my room. It's just a mess with clothes all over the damn place and shit that needs to be thrown out/cleaned up...but I just can't bring myself to actually do it. It'll happen one day. Besides, I gotta clean up and move out pretty soon. Another semester that went by. And again, so much more happened than I thought would. It seems to be like that every semester.

I go into it saying, "ok let's just get through it with no problems. no sadness. just lots of productivity and happy times!"

well of course it isn't always like that.

maybe next semester?


in other news I have problems sleeping and need a show I can watch online to occupy my time. that or a good book.

yeah. I need a good book!

WHERES THE BARNES AND NOBLE IN THIS CURSED CITY!?!

I haven't updated in quite some time and for that I'm sorry, even though only a very limited few see this. or even care to read it. I think that above all is my reason for not updating. in my head I think "fuck it, there's no point. nobody sees this shit anyway."

but that aside, the chosen few who DO read this might as well know how I am and what I'm up to.

and the answer to that is that I haven't been up to much and that in all honesty I'm not doing so well. There's a very large part of me that thinks I should get back into therapy.

I guess my schedule is just too busy for that. I know that I should put my mental health above all, but I guess I rely on being busy enough to ignore what goes on in my head. truthfully, that does work to an extent. Ever since I moved to this damn place I've been able to immerse myself in school work to drown out the bad shit that flows through my thoughts.

lately I haven't been able to keep that charade up. I get done with my work early in the week, and then I'm stuck. I have nothing to preoccupy myself. that's where my problems start.

I've been blowing a lot of money at bars, trying to drink my thoughts away. it typically works. but never for that long. it isn't even the drinking, though it does help. I think that the sociability aspect trumps the drinking aspect. being around a bustling crowd, hearing people interact, watching things happen, it all keeps my mind occupied. That is all well and good until I'm left by myself and to my own devices. that's when I can't stop myself from thinking about shit.

I don't quite know what a therapist could even do. I don't doubt them, even though my last one was not a real help. she helped me get close to a mental status quo, but never actually helped me. I guess an hour a week with a university therapist doesn't amount to much.

ugh. nobody likes a morbid bastard so let's move on.

I'm torn as to what to do for the summer. I have a list of shit...and this is how it all looks in my head. noticed how cluttered it looks:

1. school: I want to finish 201 and 202 in sign language. I know that I can take both here at ASU. I would prefer to take them at a community college since it'll be easier. that means I would have to find a place that offers these classes, and their curriculum meets ASU standards. that being said, I could take 201 here and then take 202 in NJ so I could at least see my friends for a little bit of time. that would be nice I guess. I don't really know. I sometimes doubt if I really fit in with my friends anymore. I don't think I do. sigh.

2. work: I need money. doesn't help that I piss it away at bars. but still, money is nice. I need to be able to support myself, since my folks can't spare the money. now is the worst for them. dad is floundering worse than usual and mom is struggling to get her feet on the ground with her new job....even though she has her husband to bail her out. I hope that didn't sound bitter....chalk that up to an old issue that I never resolved...thank you ASU therapist for totally NOT helping me get over shit. I didn't address the actual point. back in NJ I have a job at CVS waiting. or rather, when I say that I will be back by XXXX then I have a job. here in AZ...I have no idea. also, I doubt that CVS will pick me up if I only come back long enough to kill off sign language 202. sigh.

3. Friends?: do I want to see them. does it matter? yes I guess. but lately I have such an awful detachment from people. I don't get myself. we'll save the dime-store psycho-analysis of myself for some other date...I haven't got the strength for it.

4. housing: ok so FUCK YOU ASU for sending me the most cryptic "housing confirmation" ever. all it said was that I applied for Tempe housing. that is all. I don't know where. I don't know if I'll even get in since the wait list is forever, which totally does not help me when I select my course, which by the way, I should've done weeks ago.


ok so I said let's not be a morbid bastard but honestly now, my life is hectic and I don't think I have the fortitude to drag myself through it all. case in point: my mother gave me a check for looking after her dogs for the weekend. I could not muster the motivation to cash that check for a solid week, even when I had NOTHING to do.

I'm a little scared for myself.

MOVING ON

ok so I totally think it's haircut time. but thing is...my hair is approaching the length that I think looks good, but it's kinda out of order. I truly think that my hair looked best at my mothers (2nd) wedding. it was long in all the right places. as it stands now, it's just kinda all over the place, but whenever I get it trimmed it ends up looking wacky. also, I need to re-dye it. sigh. it's hit the point where it looks silly. I NEED to wear a hat or bandana because it looks so damn out of order when I get out of the shower. curse this crazy ass jew hair. why must it curl in all the wrong places.

and mind you, I'm not one to be uber-critical of my appearance....but I DO try to look somewhat put together. contrary to what others may say. and if there is one thing that I am critical of, it's my hair. ask anybody who has dated/known me long enough: I play with my hair a bit too much. constantly flattening it or adjusting it. part of it- if I'm in the company of a girlfriend- is to make myself look presentable and marginally attractive, even though I've looked pretty shitty as of late. but yeah, WTF! I may need to conjur the motivation to make myself look like something other than the wolfman's cousin. just saying.

in other news: somehow my wallet was subject to investigation the other day at my buddies place and an old ID popped out where I looked "fat". granted, "fat" for me means normal for all intents and purposes, however, I did look pretty good. it would seem that my beard and filled out face and neck made me look good. now what gets me is that I have awful eating habbits. I constantly eat around 2 meals after 10pm. now, I've heard that eating that late makes it harder for the body to burn it off. oooook....so my body manages to burn it all off by morning. fuck this body. I really dislike it. honestly, if I had a solid guarantee that people get reincarnated after death then I would totally off myself to get some other body. this one just isn't doing it. I mean, I'm not ugly. but certain aspects of my body just do not agree with me. I could blame god but that just seems cliche, and in the long run, proabably a bad idea. I don't doubt that some higher power watches over us and I do not want to die and have to answer to that higher power when they say, "so you had an issue with the way I made you?"

awwwwwwkward.


ok so if you read all this then congrats. I'm proud of you. you just learned way too much about me.

in closing, I'm fine. I just go to bed, wake up, do what has to be done, fill spare time, then go to sleep, repeat.

yup.

such is life.

WOOOOOOO.


oh and ok, so my mom gave me all these liquid supplements to help me boost my weight. the catch is that they are REALLY protein heavy and you kinda have to be working out or else it wreaks havok on your body. and I don't work out at all. but I totally want to drink them.

especially the "naked juice" version that looks so yummy......ahhh temptation come my way....

ok. so yeah. mad <3 if you got through my bullshit.

I must admit, driving in the desert is fun. but it's also a chore. the biggest drawback is that any beverage that you purchase gets warm within minutes if you go outside.

I've had to spit out beverages before because it was like drinking lava. and the best part is that you don't realize it's going to be hot until it's in your mouth.

that can be dangerous...imagine hypothetically if you're driving to your mom's house in northern scottsdale, and you have a cold drink, and then kinda forget about it for a while, and then while driving you notice it! and then you think "oh lucky me! this will be great since I rarely put on the AC since it wastes gas." and then you drink it and have to spit it out the window while going like 70 on the 101. and then you have your mom wonder why your pants are kinda wet.

imagine that situation!

that hypothetical  situation


p.s.  that is one cold star. it is pretty cold in here. I wish I had that hat....

I want to do anything but school shit. Especially after coming off break. There are so many things that I need to get done and I can feel it all around me. just building up.

of course, it'll all get done in due time. but as it stands I'm kinda freaking out.


I'm also going through some weird anxiety phase. again.

I really need to figure out how to combat this anxiety that washes over me randomly. I think it's jealousy but I don't really know. I guess I feel people are better off than I am, which is stupid because I shouldn't be comparing myself to others all the time. it's a waste of time. I've been told this. in most areas I actually don't compare myself. but certain aspects of myself I feel I need to measure against other people. like happiness.

I don't know. I can feel that something is wrong. I'm having problems focusing on my work and nothing I do makes me feel good. I feel like I'm putting up a front far too much.

and topic change.

I randomly got paid today. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was just sitting here at work and my boss walks up, comments that I'm not wearing green, and then hands me a check.

cha-ching!

St. Patty's day is pretty interesting in arizona. it seems fitting, yet out of place. I can totally see kilts being a good idea here in AZ on St. Pattys day. it's a free shot for guys to hop into a long skirt.

though something about St. Pattys in the desert just seems wrong. Ireland and Arizona just do not mesh.

I sort of want to go out and drink, but not in tempe or scottsdale...I'd rather just stay local.
I also wouldn't mind napping until tomorrow.
either way I need to study.

screw you media law!!!! jgoa;hgaoewifhn;oah

one of the dining hall people who cleans the tables is mentally challenged. in fact, many of the table cleaners are like that. this one woman goes up to a female ASU police officer, leans in close and says:

"...gooood....morrrrrning...mrs....officer....or...maybe....*giggles*....MISS!....officer?!!"


and then walks away.

so I wanted to do the thing where you insert a link that connects to some other part of the entry....but I'm dumb and can't do it. ha. ANYWAY, I got bored and figured that I could occupy some time with a survey. I'd like to thank ROB for having a billion surveys on his LJ.

this is long.


-- Righty or Lefty: Lefty!
-- Innie or Outtie: Innie....outies kinda scare me.

-----------------DESCRIBE------------------
-- The shoes you wore today: Lakai....but they've been retired
-- What you wear to bed: Boxers...usually a t-shirt. depends on the temperature of the room :)
-- Your eyes: hazel
-- Your fears: never liked spiders that much 
-- Your Computer:  some piece of shit Dell that needs to be replaced 

-----------------WHAT IS------------------
-- Your most overused phrase online: "wtf" but then again I've used it before....
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "why does time move faster when I sleep?" 
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: smile...of course, that's assuming that they smile at all 
-- The last feature you notice in the opposite sex: "Coccyx" <----- Can't argue with that. (Rob agreed with whoever said that. I will too)
-- Your best physical feature: I guess that would be my eyes? I think they're pretty nice...all hazel and soothing. I've been told that they get lighter or darker at times....I can't say....
-- Your bedtime: not gonna lie, it's pretty much 3 am, regardless of school or work.  

-----------------YOU PREFER------------------
-- Pepsi or coke: I think I'm going to side with Pepsi. though the ASL sign for coke is kinda funny.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: BK. hands down. those fries are just godly. sorry, Ronald.
-- Single or group dates: Single...unless you go with a really really close friend
-- Adidas or Nike: Nike. I still need to get some crazy colored air force ones once I work up the nerve haha
-- Chocolate or vanilla: both would be great right now
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee...though a cappuccino at the right time is better than sex.
-----------------DO YOU------------------
-- Smoke: naturally....
-- Drink: yeah. right now I'm having a cranberry juice. it's still too early to start drinking, and I'm not a fan on bloody mary's. blech. 
-- Cuss: oh dear, yes.
-- Take a shower everyday: I try to get close to that but let's be fair....it doesn't happen EVERYday. 
-- Have a crush(es): is it still a crush if you're dating them? I suppose it is, isn't it?
-- Who are they: Ashley Oh.
-- Do you think you've been in love?: yeah. it's a funny feeling. not like ticklish funny...oh man...don't ever tickle me!  
-- Want to go to college: I'm in college! actually, to answer the question fully: I'm doing this survey IN a college, as well. pow!
-- Like high school: it was amusing but I'm glad I'm out...
-- Want to get married: when the time is right, I suppose.
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: which keys are the "right" keys? I sense discrimination. BIGOT! 
-- Believe in yourself: I've been trying to get myself to do that...it takes a lot of effort. but on the bright side, all that effort that could be put there is put toward other productive things! hell yeah adam! make that negative a positive!
-- Get motion sickness: No. I'm fine with that.
-- Think you're attractive: it all depends on the hair. seriously. I honestly believe that my hair MANDATES how attractive I am. without the hair I literally look like everyone's brother, cousin, nephew, etc. I've heard it all. 
-- Think you're a health freak: not even close.
-- Get along with your parents: Yeah I do.
-- Like thunderstorms: hell yes. thunderstorms are my friends! I like to stand in them and yell at the sky. very cinematic! 
-- Play an instrument: in my imagination I play instruments that YOU DONT EVEN KNOW, BITCH!

------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID:/:HAVE YOU--------------
-- Drank alcohol: yeeeeeeeep
-- Smoke(d): uh  huh
-- Done a drug: nahh
-- Go on a date: nope 
-- Go to the mall: Yes. it was dreadful.
-- Eaten sushi: well if by sushi you mean the food, no.  if by sushi you mean....uh...hehe...no, again. damn this survey! 
-- Been on stage: uh...kinda...I did a presentation in front of my class....kinda
-- Been dumped: uhhh...no
-- Gone skating: I wish!
-- Made homemade cookies: fuuuuuck I wish AGAIN
-- Been in love: yeah. it's not easy but love is love, ya know?
-- Dyed your hair: nah. but I think it might be time?
-- Stolen anything: as it stands: a bunch of bottled waters, 20 dum-dum lollipops, Ritz crackers, 2 bangs of animal crackers. all taken from work. all eaten at work....except the lollipops....I keep those in my bookbag to make classmates jealous! 


-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
-- Flown on a plane: Multiple times a year!
-- Missed school because it was raining?: is that possible? hahaha 
-- Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yeah
-- Cried during a Movie?: psh. I think NOT. (yes multiple times) 
-- Ever thought a cartoon character was hot?: yeah! Jessica Rabbit?!?!  
-- Had an imaginary friend? I think  at one point in time I did. that or I talked to my stuffed animals.
-- Been on stage?: Yeah
-- Cut your hair: not personally. well. one time I snipped away a rebel piece of hair. my mom was so mad...
-- Had crush on a teacher?: all of my teachers were trolls.
-- Fallen for a friend: Yeah it's happened
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing?: are we still talking about showers? because I kinda consider that a game... 
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: oh yes. many many times
-- Been caught "doing something": my boss just caught me going to the dining hall to get more cranberry juice...that counts as "something"...doesn't it?
-- Been called a tease: I don't believe so.
-- Skinny dipped?: wow. for some reason I remember that a bunch of people were doing it but I don't remember if I joined in or not. I was (am) a very self-conscious person when it comes to showing their body off....don't let the ink fool you... 
-- Gotten beaten up?: it's happened.
-- Been in a fight: yeah, not recently though.
-- Shoplifted: what kid has never shoplifted?? honestly!

-----------------THE FUTURE------------------
-- Age you hope to be married: I'm going to say that if it doesn't happen by my 30's then I'm in trouble.... 
-- Numbers and Names of Children: a boy and a girl would be nice. names? hmmmm
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: open bar? I don't know that! I'm 21!
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: not as poor as many journalists end up being
-- What country would you most like to visit?: Japan (sticking with Rob's answer on this...also Europe. all of it. right now.)

-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
-- Best eye color: I've gotten used to brown eyes, however I'm not biased.
-- Best hair color: I like darker hair. it just seems more sophisticated and mysterious than blonde.
-- Short hair or long hair: either.
-- Best height: no taller than me, please. 
-- Best weight: "Not that bothered, really, so long as they're not anorexic or morbidly obese" <--- Ditto (keeping this answer too) 
-- Best first kiss location: I don't think the place matters so much as the circumstances. though I think dimly lit, secluded areas is pretty fitting

-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: uh. a bunch....I don't know the number for sure
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 1. if that.  
-- Number of CDs that I own: many! and the ones that I don't like I use for frisbee golf. honestly, I've been doing that since I was little. I remember using a backstreet boy album once. I found it in the street...best game of frisbee golf ever.
-- Number of piercings: 3
-- Number of tattoos: 6
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: being a journalist...or well...attempting to be a journalist has allowed my name to "grace" the pages of many publications.
-- Number of scars on my body: one on my right arm from childhood. a few on my right knee from thinking I'm hot shit on a bike. never again. other than that I'm pretty much in one piece.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: many. too long to list them off.... 

----------------FAVORITES------------------
-- Shampoo: ok recently I've been using Herbal Essences...the one that smooths hair down, and I've been loving it. no more "Shirley Temple" curls, as Gabe calls them.
-- Fave Color: typically the darker shade of common colors....sometimes with a lighter accent. wow that was a shit answer.
-- Day/Night: I am the night man.
-- Summer/Winter: Summer
-- Lace or Satin: both?
-- Fave Cartoon Character: Ichigo! or his dad! what a hilarious perverted old man. 
-- Fave Food: anything that isn't coming out of the dining hall, goddamnit
-- Fave Movies: unfair question. moving on.
-- Fave sport: BADMINTON (I'm with Rob. I loved playing that in gym class and I was not half bad. Rob was amazing though)

----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
-- Wearing: Jeans. ASU RHA shirt. Hoody.
-- Drinking: cranberry!
-- Thinking about: my neck. why does it hurt? and a cigarette...mmmm...oh and that nap coming up! and if Ashley is oversleeping...maybe I should call and wake her...? 
-- Listening to: the chatter in the dining hall. 

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
-- Cried: no
-- Worn jeans: yes I have 
-- Met someone new online: nah
-- Done laundry: uhhh....no. wait! no....that was saturday I think...
-- Drove a car: ...no
-- Talked on the phone: Yeah. and had the call drop way too often. Verizon, get your head in the game! I can't be having that!

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
-- Yourself: on a good day.
-- Your friends: I'd say so. they're all good people for the most part. 
-- Santa Claus: I'm a Jew. I was told about the Santa thing when I was in like....3rd grade. I remember my folks telling me to not tell the other christian kids in school....it would upset them. now I realize that it would upset them and probably breed all sorts of antisemitism in them. THANKS SANTA!
-- Tooth Fairy: I have no proof saying that she DOESN'T exist. DEAR JESUS...I just remembered that when I was younger and I lost a tooth I would put it in a little felt pouch in the shape of a duck. I need that back. how have I forgotten about that for so long?? 
-- Destiny/Fate: I used to. maybe I still do. I think that there is a thing called free-will, but it's controlled by rationality and reason. I can do what I want, but how much of that freedom will I really use...you know?
-- Angels: I'm skeptical, though it would be nice to think that something is watching out for you
-- Ghosts: I don't think so....
-- UFO's: I'm sure there's intelligent life out there.
-- God: Again, it would be nice to think that something is watching out for you....maybe there is a God....I honestly can't say but I respect the viewpoints of the people who are convinced. I just don't comprehend blind faith. Saying that Jesus will do this for you or God will do that for you, just because you believe....eh....I dunno...don't you think you gotta earn it a bit? 

--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
-- Do you ever wish you had another name?: No way. Adam is a very fitting name.
-- Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: Yep! chili dog. no onions. 
-- Do you like anyone?: shouldn't that be asked before the bf/gf question.....? POOR PLANNING SKILLS! 
-- Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: I think I pretty much stand alone. Perhaps, at time, others do things that I would do...but never routinely. 
-- Who have you known the longest of your friends?: Scott. known him since like 5th grade, off and on. 
-- Are you close to any family member?: past my immediate family, nah.
-- Who do you hang around the most?: out in the West? Jason, Gabe, Steve, Cory, Beau, Jason's girlfriend, Doc....yeah that sums it up... 
-- What's the best feeling in the world?: I think the first kiss feeling. that or when you look back on a night the following the day and realize that it was perfect.
-- Worst Feeling?: that feeling I get when I see a star or heart tattoo. MAKE IT ORIGINAL, YOU SHEEP!
-- What time is it now: CLOSING TIME!!!




I hope that "closing time" is stuck in your head, like it is in mine....

I had a strange dream last night...or rather...this morning. I was back in high school and I was walking to class, and I saw someone's locker wide-open and I thought "well that's dangerous. something could be stolen!" so I closed it. It would seem that I closed it with the owner's keys still inside. The kid was Jeff Walsh...whose name hasn't crossed my mind since grade school. I don't think he was ever IN my high school. but yeah so he was disappointed, and also his arm was broken. and that was my fault too. also, the evening prior I went to get my haircut. the hairdresser was my current boss. she did a crap job, and the next morning when I had math class, taught by my boss, she took class time to fix it. so I'm sitting there trying to do some math problem while she cuts my hair, and all the girls in the class are crowding around saying how bad it looks, and how stupid I look. finally, my boss gives up, and the room is just staring at me in silence. one girl comes up to survey my head, and as she's looking around, touches my ear. she does that, then turns to the class and announces, "he's gross. I refuse to fix him." I guess my ear was gross? so I start turning red and getting reallly really uncomfortable. I start to get up and then I feel someone's hand on my shoulder and an unfamiliar voice says, "he's not gross. I'll fix it."

at that point I get up and sheepishly say "bathroom" as I run out the door. I got a drink of water. then I woke up.


what a strange dream. all that, and I had other vision-y sort of things happen for hours until I fell asleep...at roughly 5. weird visions that were mainly short scenarios involving my greatest fears and whatnot. wasn't fun. a lot of them were really depressing. at least after hours of my brain cooking up these crazy theories, it topped itself with a ridiculous highschool dream.

I must say...I haven't had a highschool dream in a while. it was actually pretty amazing to see my brain re-create my school. it was a very honest rendition of NVOT, and just the downstairs portion too. I don't remember if the dream me had a new bookbag...but the real me could totally use a new one.

so breakfast is not that bad, however I truly think that I can make better pancakes. COME ON! NOT THAT HARD!

also. there is a show on TV right now. I can't change this show. I don't think anybody is watching. the show is called "Jury Duty" and it sounds just like those cheap "Judge ____" shows. I wish someone could turn this off.

actually I just heard that the defendant is a "seller of foot balms on the internet" which made me laugh a bit.

I have no idea how I'm going to be able to work out later today. I'm already exhausted and I still have another 5 and a half hours of work to do today.

something that never fails to amuse me is watching who puts effort into putting themselves together in the morning. I see a fair amount of people toward the latter half of this morning shift...it's just interesting to see who looks like a zombie and who is ready to tackle their day.

That girl is a zombie. a zombie with mail. USPZ? united states postal...zombie?
That girl looks ready for today....must be the turtle neck....

I just realized that these pancakes are chocolate chip.

That girl looks pretty exhausted...and lost. did she not want breakfast, afterall?

furthermore, am I the only guy awake and moving around? other than the cooks and FedEx guy, of course. but really! I've seen ONE other guy today....granted, my day has been roughly an hour old, but still.

so there's a "what to do in phoenix" thing in front of me, and it basically has all the happy hours and events that restaurants and bars are holding. Feb 14th...Jackson's on Third is going all out. penny drinks. "celebrity" hosts. I wonder what sort of crowd will show up for that one.

ugh, sunday is the NBA allstar game, taking place DOWN THE ROAD from me. phoenix is going to be a mad-house. I think I'll stay inside. or retreat to scottsdale.

I don't think I'm a big fan of this month.

HA. the Residence Hall Association is actually going through with my shirt idea. awesome!

aaaaand this post has basically killed an hour which is great news, since in just 2 more I'm going to nap out. and then work again. I can tell that tonight is going to be an early night...I just know it.

hmmmm.....my boss just left with a large group of people...AND her boss was there as well...perhaps they'll be gone long enough for a sneaky, paranoid cigarette?? hm. maybe I shouldn't risk it.

oh awesome. I see Andy from my ASL class walking toward the dining hall. what's great about Andy is that he's so quiet and always looks like he just got out of bed. what a great person. I can't imagine anybody being mad at Andy, ever.

I am really regretting not bringing Harry Potter or my DS down here....I literally forced myself into ONLY being able to do work...or fuck around online. let's see which one I end up doing.

wow. this was long.

walking down the hall toward the elevators I heard a bunch of guys playing rock band. they were playing eye of the tiger. the singer was really getting into it, and it was awkward.

whenever I sing in that game I tend to think I'm pretty good...but oh man, now I wish I never sang anything in that game. I feel foolish.

it's hard to overstate my shame right now!!!

I noticed that my LJ was on-screen when I woke up so I figured I would throw down a non-help-desk post. imagine that??

Things haven't been that great for me. I feel that I'm incredibly alone all the time, and still I really don't feel all that compelled to change my situation. I feel less than good, I know this, but I'm not doing anything. I just assume the feelings will pass eventually and soldier on through my day. And honestly, I'm not even that alone. I have friends who I see on a weekly basis.

I don't know what my problem is. I really don't.

But that's something to fight another day. Today is perfect weather! Well, not really. Perfect in my eyes I guess. There are clouds and the sky is grey on one side and blue elsewhere. It rained so everything smells....rain-y?

I like when the sky is split like that. makes me feel that the sky is trying to emulate me, who is bright and chipper half the time and kinda stormy and moody other times.

yeah I just said that the sky is copying me. that's kinda crazy.


I think that I'm living through other people a bit too much. I hear about what other people are up to and I'm like "wow man, that's cool, tell me about it."

eh, I'm just showing interest.

OK, I'm going to go outside and have a smoke and take in this weather before I have to come back into my cave and study for all sorts of hell...